Know the feeling of distance and disconnect from the rest of the world? I'm feeling it now.

Using back my old phone because the blackberry's having hardware issues. Somehow or rather, my old phone has transported me back in time, into the upper secondary school years. Reading past messages that are still stored in my phone brings back far too many memories. An overwhelming sense of nostalgia. The last year of high school was really a moment worthy of reliving.

In any case, standing at this point right now I can only be relieved. The worst is definitely not over, but I'm nonetheless proud of myself for climbing out of the dark. Long way to go within such a short period of time, hoping for the best. The last few months have taught me that this world is not going to stop and empathize with you; you will be fighting alone and any external help along the way will be a gift, that shall not be taken for granted. I mean count the number of relationships you have that are not an exchange of sorts involving material gains, there aren't too many left. 

On a separate note, I'm getting such a huge pang of regret for dance. It's just hitting me like a fast train and making me cry at the sight of the amazing choreographies on So You Think You Can Dance, call it cliche. But truly, I miss the burning sensation that is felt when dancing. Now when I look at the sports people around me training intensively for the competition season, I feel embarrassed that I don't feel the same passion and commitment for chinese dance. Though in defense, I used to. It angers me that dance is full of politics and all aesthetics. What happened to the genuine love for dance? Dance does still hold great importance to me, but until regain consciousness for dance, I can only drag my feet to cca and have the thought of 'dance night please be over soon' at the back of my mind. Height or physique should never be the basis to deny anyone of the opportunity to dance. 

Time to wrap up this lengthy and ranty post, and go to bed cos' my brain is shutting down. Things will improve eventually, I trust that it would (:

the thought of A levels is extremely daunting, knowing that the As don't come easy and that i'm still facing difficulties in academics. first block test of the year is drawing near and i'm starting to feel the increasing intensity of stress. i very much want to do well for it :( another 8 months of tolerating with this ridiculously didactic education system of singapore's. 

let's go people 

let's just say that i'm having a relatively hard time coping with my disability. even with the pill, it doesnt make things any easier for me though it does improve by ability to focus. so i just started to think about where im going, and i realised that i have been placed in a context that goes against who i am for the past 17 years. or at least from where i stand.

so the thing is that im dying in this particular place im in and no one understands it, so if i dont find a way to wriggle out of the vicious cycle, i will do badly for a levels and die. i wish i was born to fit this context yeah? if only someone could empathize with my circumstance now, it might just make my life so much easier. 

and of course i've thought of escaping this cage, but in reality i cant survive if i do. as such the only way out is to bear with whatever given to me now, and push through. im not born stupid, neither was i born unhappy. 

jc sucks, save me.

hi. im posting because i simply cant bring myself to study maclaurin's series. not that i dont want to, but i am staring at it and nothing's actually entering my head! D: horrible day to mug. IM SO BORED NOW cos i cant concentrate on anything i want to do, rahhh horrible horrible day.

D:

i like the flowers,
i like the daffodils,
i like the mountains,
i like the green fields,
you've been so wonderful,
always remember you (:

once again you've taught me the way to life. i'll learn to be as strong as all of you.
to the kids, học tập chăm chỉ và chăm sóc, chúng tôi sẽ gặp lại.
phuong thinh, i'll do my best to go back for the 3rd time. i promise.

dance is the celebration of your own being, the liberty to emote with your body. 

i can tell you that i don't have the vocabulary to sustain an essay on dance, though i live dance. but deep inside, the fire burns as i feel the movement through every muscle and every joint. 

hell yeah, i have short and stout legs, fat arms and thighs, total opposite of the physique of a natural born dancer, but i work my butt off to improve myself everyday because im lovin' it (: even if it means to stretch 100 more times than others, expand my movements a 100 times bigger than others, be 100 times sharper/softer than others, have a smile that's 100 times wider than others, take 100 more years of practice than others, and still FAIL to be half as good as a professional dancer, i won't stop till the end of time.

and to defend one of my passions, chinese dance may seem cheena and weird to you, but that's just cos you never had the courage to go experience the wonders of it. 

stop telling me to give up. i will not.